Be His

BE HIS.

What does it mean to belong to someone?  If you're dating someone then you probably feel this attachment.  If you are a part of a team-be it basketball, cheerleading, football, band, glee club, chorus or chess club...then you know that feeling of being a part of a bigger, collective someone.  How great it feels to be united and to accomplish something.  

So what does it mean to be HIS?  A child of the King.  To belong to the Maker of all the heavens and earth.  He who formed you in the womb.  He who knows the number of every hair on your head.  He who has numbered your days.  Do you really know who you belong to?  I have to confess that I often forget.  I get caught up in the struggles and problems of my day to day life and I forget Who it is that I serve.

Do you believe that the God of Abraham, Moses and Joshua is your God?  Do you act like you believe it?  For our actions reveal what we really believe.  We have the promise that our God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.  Our modern society may claim that the Bible is old and outdated but the reality is that there is nothing new under the sun.  The world may look different and may have changed in many ways, yet man in his carnal state still thirsts after and desires the same things.  God has not changed in His infinite power, wisdom and love.   

We still serve the same God of Daniel, Esther, and David.  Maybe you need to take some time and dig back in the Word and relish the LIFE of these stories.  Ask God to remove your unbelief.  God STILL takes us out of the mouths of lions!  He still parts the Red Sea!  He still places His people exactly where He wants them "for such a time as this".  He still delivers His people out of the fiery furnace.  The only thing that limits His power is our unbelief.  Do people look at you and say "I want to know the God they serve"?  I pray it is so.  You must pray that this is so.  Do you make others hungry for God?

The only way you can ever hold this power is by being His.  Taking the time every day to rest in His presence.  To get away from all the noise and busyness of life and listen only to His voice-turn off your I-Phone, computer, I-Pod and get alone with Him.  Listen for the Holy Spirit to direct you.  Talk to Him constantly throughout your day.  Praise Him for all the good things He has given you.  Beg Him to give you His strength when hardships and trials come your way.  Pray that they push you to Him and change you to look more like Him.  Hudson Taylor, an international missionary, said "It doesn't matter how great the pressure is.  What really matters is where the pressure lies, whether it comes between me and God or whether it presses me nearer His heart."  

Matthew 16:25 says "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life because of me will find it."  The choice is yours; will you be His?  You can trust that while it will be difficult, it will all be worth it in the end.

Be Last

BE LAST.

So what do you want to be when you grow up?  Do you know what college you want to attend once you graduate?  Have you registered for the classes that put you on the right track to follow the career path you (or your parents, or maybe both) want?  Are you dating anyone?  Have you bought the latest I-phone?  

There are so many pressures on the American student today.  You live in a society where you're constantly pushed so much to become someone-to do something with your life-that this usually results in putting your needs above the needs of others.  I mean, how else is it going to get done?  When is there the time and energy to give generously of yourself?  

And love deeply?  You tried love a couple of times and that boy or girl only broke your heart.  I mean, you love your friends, at least the ones who stick close beside you.  You're told that the only way to achieve and be what you want to be is to do it yourself-to look out for yourself because no one else is going to do it.  And if you work hard enough, you can do anything!  

In Philippians 2 we are given the instruction to humbly "consider others as more important than yourselves".  It wasn't that long ago that I was in your shoes and I remember that constant pressure.  Yet, I also remember the joy that came when I put others' needs above myself.  When I took the time to listen to a friend who was really struggling with something-to help lighten the burden they carried even just a little bit-the Lord in turn provided me with the strength and grace I needed for a certain task.  When I followed His leading and led a Bible study for younger girls, He still gave me the time and discipline to do well in school while holding a job and playing tennis.  Or when I obeyed God when He called me on a mission trip during my spring break.

Time after time, after time, the Lord ALWAYS came through for me and gave me just what I needed.  This philosophy certainly goes against every thing our modern day society tells us.  And the reality is, putting yourself last will NEVER be glamorous and hardly ever enjoyable; I mean think of what it cost Jesus.  He was ridiculed and often misunderstood.  He stood up for the outcast of society-the lame, the sinners.  He was definitely not popular and oftentimes he made people so mad they chased him out!  He suffered and bled and DIED.  

Every time you put yourself last-every time you die to yourself to put the needs of someone else before yours-you are being obedient to God.  Let it be our ever growing desire to sacrifice greatly just as our Savior did so that "at the name of Jesus every knee will bow-of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth-and every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father!"  

Be Real

BE REAL.

Staying power.  That's what authentic community gives us as followers of Christ.  But it comes at quite a cost.  It comes only when we sacrifice greatly.  We must be real with each other-with our struggles-our deep, dark secrets that we are embarrassed or ashamed about.  Because the reality is-as a body of believers-when one of us suffers we all suffer.  We mourn together.  We rejoice together-worshipping joyfully to our Giver or Life.  We rejoice together after we have come alongside a brother or sister and helped to carry their burden.  When we have sacrificed our time to sit and listen to their pain.  When we have prayed fervently together.  For everything there is a season and a purpose under heaven. 

To be quite honest, it is EXTREMELY difficult to live in close community.  We live in very close quarters with our team in South Sudan.  Because of this reality, it is impossible for any of us to have a bad day without all of us knowing it.  It is hard to lay down your pride and live transparently.  Living this way it is impossible to maintain your mask.  But what an opportunity to grow this gives us!  When my team members see all the ugliness that lies in my heart-that overflows on rough days-the REAL me, my default setting, I am faced with a choice.  Will I swallow my pride, be humble, confess my sin, ask for forgiveness, and embrace the  unconditional love and accountability they offer me?  Or will I pretend like nothing happened, brush it aside and hope they forget about it?  Of course, the first choice is the most difficult.  Yet when I accept the community that my team offers me, this is when I grow the most.  My team sees me at my best, my worst, and they hear me pour out my heart about how I long to be.  They mirror God's love for me-they forgive me and love me even when I don't deserve it. Colossians 3:12 says "we are God's chosen ones, holy and loved..." and God longs for us to rely on Him to make us all these things.  To mold us into the image of Him so that our ugly default setting slowly turns to a beautiful thing and no matter how much we're shaken, JESUS comes out!

How my heart is so thankful for the words of Paul in 2 Timothy 1:9, "He has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace, which was given to us in Christ Jesus before time began."  We have a HOLY calling as followers of Christ!  And holiness cannot and will not be achieved if we are left to our own devices, if we try to do it alone.  We MUST have the accountability of fellow brothers and sisters of Christ.  For we are in a war here on earth.  C.S. Lewis said, "Enemy-occupied territory-that is what this world is.  Christianity is the story of how the rightful King has landed...and is calling us to take part in a great campaign of sabotage."  

So BE REAL!  Join hands with your brothers and sisters in Christ-confess your sins to one another and worship our God joyfully-following Him with all your heart, soul, and mind.  It will shake this world to its core and call people to the heart of God!

Learning to Love the Little Years

There’s a Cabbage Patch baby doll lying on the end of our bed, dressed in my 3 year old’s pajama shorts that reach up to her little cloth neck.  As I make up our bed, I find toy food everywhere underneath our sheets-a plastic apple here, a donut there.  A little stuffed Disney Lady is sweetly sleeping in Daniella’s crib with a toilet paper holder over her mouth as a pacifier.  Minnie Mouse is tied on the swing on Abby’s little playground.  Somewhere from the back of the house you can hear a faint “Mommy!  Mommy!”  I almost trip as I stumble over Little People scattered over the floor.  I look down at my arm to find something brownish green stuck there-is that dried baby food or poop?  I take a quick whiff....whew, it’s just prunes.  One thing is for sure;  in fact it is unmistakable; this is a home of little ones.  

It’s the age of tea parties, my Little Ponies, Disney Princesses, Veggie Tales and Curious George.  I walked into our living room the other day in between our language classes to find Abby camped out on her bed sheets on the floor playing. She exclaimed,  “I’m a spy monkey like Curious George, Mommy!”  In the mornings, she can be heard singing from her bed “The Itsy Bitsy Spider”, “You Are My Sunshine”, or “The Alphabet Song” in a LOUD voice.  She is just getting into playing dress up which is, let me be honest, quite fun for me too.  (Maybe it is true that some of us are always kids at heart.)  

From the time Abby’s eyes spring open in the morning until her head hits the pillow at night, she is an endless ball of energy!  Being 3 years old is an exciting time where the world is an open frontier of endless possibilities just waiting to be explored.  If you have little ones then you know exactly what I mean.  It is amazing the amount of energy they have!  And although there is certainly time for them to be independent in their play throughout the day-it has a time limit.  Otherwise, you may walk into your toddler’s room to find she’s colored over every available surface or spilt water everywhere (and these are the mild surprises versus bigger ones such as your toddler trying to feed your baby or painting on the walls).  I’m astounded how Abby’s happy little world can fall to pieces if she falls and hurts her knee or steps on a thorn.  Bless her heart, it’s like her little world has ended and only a bandaid can make it better.  After all they do have special magic healing powers, you know.

And the questions!  Oh, the questions!  We can’t even get through a page in reading our books and Abby has a question.  And of course you know her favorite questions “Why?”  Why does the mouse want to color a picture, why is Papa Bear mad, etc......”  Some times I feel I can’t bear to answer another question. And what in the world do you tell your 3 year old when she asks, “Before you and Daddy met where was I?”  Oh man!  That question certainly isn’t in the parent handbook.  Yet I am so thankful for her curiousity and wonder and desire to learn and grow.  Her little eyes are so precious as  she looks up eagerly at me and Selvin as she learns timeless Bible songs with us like “Sing Hosanna” and “This Little Light of Mine”.  And who knew that “He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands” could have endless verses?!

Lord, renew my sense of wonder and innocence like this.  To see Your world with those eyes, to have faith like a child, where nothing is impossible.......

Abby so treasures her time with us as a family.  Every night she wants to know what we will do as a family that evening, will we read books or have a family movie night or family worship, or family game night.  It doesn’t matter what we do as long as we are together.  

Lord, give me eagerness and desire to spend time with You as My Father.  It doesn’t matter what I’m doing-whether it’s reading Your Word, praying, playing guitar, singing and worshipping, help me long to be in Your presence.  Help me and Selvin as our little girls’ parents to spend quality time with them.  To mirror Your love for them as we love on them.

There are some days (often many more than I’d like to admit) where I am just wanting to  have enough energy to get the girls down for bed that night.  But then I talk to my Mom or Dad and they remind me how fast these little years pass.  And then I realize I really do love these little years-I may not be naturally good at them but if I am working hard to rely on the Lord He will enable me to be just what my kids need at that moment of hurt or pain, He will show me how to laugh with them, how to love them and how to make them feel special.  

Motherhood has changed me so much.  I am not the same woman I was when I began and I am so thankful.  It is never pretty and I oftentimes dread the pain that’s coming as another layer of my sinful nature is peeled off.  

As I am learning how to serve my children during this season in our lives, during this ministry of motherhood, I have learned how selfish I really am.  How quickly I tend to get irritated or frustrated because things are not going how I want them to.  Abby is taking too long to do something that I could have done myself in no time.  Daniella is up at 2 am and not sleeping through the night once again. It’s times like these that the ugliness of my soul is truly revealed-where in the dark of the night when it’s just me and my crying baby and I’m exhausted. frustrated. absolutely fed up-my carnal nature rises to the surface and ugliness pores forth.  

I cry.  

I stare into the face of who I really am when all of my defenses are down.  when all my strength is dried up and I suddenly realize I have been trying once again to do this all on my own.  I have not cried out to the Lord for help FIRST.  

Oh dear Jesus, I am so utterly hopeless without Your saving grace.  My righteousness is like filthy rags.  Why do I do the things I don’t want to?  Why don’t I do the things I want to, that I need to?   Please forgive me for all the countless times I fail.  Help me to always run to Your arms.  You are my refuge and my strength, my ever present help in trouble.  Where does my help come from, oh Lord?  I lift my eyes up to the hills to You my maker!  I praise You that You never sleep nor slumber. You will set my feet on broad places and save me from my enemies-especially myself.  Thank You for Your endless, extravagant love and Your beautiful, unconditional grace!

Then there are the absolutely beautiful, picture perfect days of being a mother.   I watch Abigail running across the yard towards me, a big smile stretched across her face, her eyes lit with joy, her little legs running as fast as possible and her arms pumping to propel her along.  She says in her sweet little voice “Did you know I love you Mama?”  Or she’s standing in front of the mirror belting out the song “Let It Go” from Frozen.  

I hear Daniella say “Mama” for the first time.  I watch her wake up and the moment she sees me her face erupts in a beautiful, toothless smile.  She starts to crawl and the world changes as we know it.  Or having laughter overcome us all as Abigail and Daniella make each other laugh hysterically.  

And I am SO. GRATEFUL.  I am SO HUMBLED that God chose me to be a mother to these precious children.  My heart swells with love and tenderness.  It is my prayer that I will be ever humble as God teaches me so much about unconditional love, faith, hope, and joy through my kids.  I realize the wisdom from one of the books I’m reading that says my worst mistakes can double as some of my greatest parenting opportunities.  Oh how I cling to this hope! 

Thank You Lord!  May I die to myself each day as I learn how to be the mother You have called me to be.  It is so painful at times but so worth every tear and I wouldn’t trade this life for anything.  Thank you for Your promise in Psalm 56:8, “You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in Your bottle.  Are they not in Your book?”  Wow!  These words give me life and awe me of Your divine power, love, and care for me.  Thank You Lord that You care so much for me.  Fill me up with Your love and overflow in my life so I can show others the hope and peace only You bring-starting with my family.

Joy Through Our Journey

Today we were at a church in a nearby town in South Sudan, out in the bush, planted by Pastor Moses a few months back.  Many of the believers were just baptized last week.  This is a very young church and it is SO exciting to be a part of the discipleship process and to know the potential that is here.  

It was a cool day, the wind was blowing and we sat on some makeshift wooden benches underneath towering trees.  I sat with the Dinka women and children, holding Daniella while Abigail played in the sand near my feet.  The Lord overwhelmed me with His presence and my heart overflowed with gratitude.  Peace and joy flooded my heart, mind, and soul as I praised God for the immense privilege of living here in South Sudan.  It has been quite a journey to get here yet the Lord has proven faithful each step of the way.  Even on my worse days He has always been by my side, carrying me when I didn’t have the strength to put one foot in front of the other.  Many days as we adjust to doing life here in South Sudan I feel like I’m barely keeping afloat, yet it is in moments such as this that I’m reminded I am RIGHT where God wants me to be.  THANK YOU JESUS! 

In many ways this baby church represents me as a missionary in South Sudan.  I am just a baby missionary, as far as being an international missionary.  I am learning how to balance my many roles as a Christian missionary-as a wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter, and team player on the foreign field. I am learning the languages-trade and heart languages.  Many days I feel like I am taking 1 step forward only to fall flat on my face the next day.  YET, thanks be to the God of all grace and mercy................

1. AM. CHANGING. I am GROWING. I can feel it in the deepest parts of my soul and down to the marrow of my bones.  Some days I look in the mirror and I marvel, I can feel myself changing, a little more each day.   The mirror doesn’t reveal these changes.  I am not the same person I was a year ago when I got on the plane leaving Georgia to move to Africa.  As I reflect back over this past year, I realize it has been THE hardest year of my life.  YET, it has also, by God’s grace, been the best in many ways.  We have lived in 5 different countries, been without a home for 13 months, had numerous transitions, and had a second child (just to name a few of our major life changes).  I have struggled with wanting to be in one place for more than 2 months at a time and wanting the constant traveling to be over.  We have struggled as a family-as husband and wife, as parents, and redefining our roles as the children of parents and the siblings we left back in America. We have been blessed to meet many new people with a few who have become close friends.   We have seen numerous people come to know Christ- seeing many be baptized into their new faith and have made lifelong friends.  I have been on the highest of mountaintop experiences and through some very low, dark valleys.  But I wouldn’t trade a moment of it for the Lord has truly given us joy through this journey.

Lord, as we embark on this journey of actually living here in South Sudan, You are beginning a great work in me, as our lives intertwine with the Dinka.  You began Your work here before we arrived-both in the lives of Pastor Moses and the new believers he baptized and in our personal lives as members of the Dinka Echelon team.  As I wake up each day and we are learning how to do life here-God, You are bringing so many ugly things in my life up to the surface-pride, impatience, selfishness, lack of grace and mercy.  I am glaringly deficient in so many areas.  I am very much aware of this fact.  It is painful and oftentimes these ugly things of the flesh rear their heads at the most unexpected times-catching me off guard and knocking me down.  They manifest themselves in many ways-my irritation and impatience at my family or team, becoming easily offended-ewwwww!  How I hate them!  But Lord, I pray You would continue to help these ugly things come up to the surface of my life so by Your perfect strength You can bring them out.  No matter how much it hurts, squeeze these fleshly things out of me like the infection of a boil and heal them.  Replace them dear Jesus with the fruits of Your Spirit-humility, patience and long-suffering, self denial, seeking the good of others first above myself, grace and mercy.  I thank You God that You who have begun a good work in me will be faithful to complete it!  You are EVER faithful!

I Heard the Bells

I heard the bells on Christmas day
Their old familiar carols play
And wild and sweet the words repeat
Of peace on earth, good will toward men

I thought how as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along the unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good will to men

Till ringing, singing on its way
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime
Of peace on earth, good will to men

Then from each black, accursed mouth
The cannon thundered in the South,
And with the sound the carols drowned
Of peace on earth, good will to men

It was as if an earthquake rent
The hearthstones of a continent,
And made forlorn, the households born
Of peace on earth, good will to men

And in despair I bowed my head
“There is no peace on earth,” I said,
“For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men”

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep;
“God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail
With peace on earth, good will to men

What a story this song tells!  It was written during the American civil war.  Stanzas 4-5 mention the battle times and are usually omitted from the hymnals.   In fact, I had never heard of them until I came across them online.  But I wanted to include them because they are so very relevant for the current situation here in South Sudan and in many countries on the African continent.  

With constant unrest always on the horizon here in South Sudan, a country barely 2 years old, the words of this Christmas carol bring new meaning to us. As the next few days pass, we, along with millions of other Sudanese wait to see what will happen.  The threat of civil war is very real.  It breaks our hearts.  To think about the incredible suffering that hundreds of millions faced during the past 22 years of war between the North and the South of Sudan.  To think about the millions of people who died as a result of it.  Most who DID NOT KNOW JESUS.  Most who had NEVER EVEN HEARD HIS NAME.  PLEASE pray earnestly for this country.  As of now, SS government officials are denying that the attempted coup in Juba had anything to do with ethnic tribal disputes between the Dinka and Nuer.  However, the Dinka and Nuer have a very conflicted past as rivals.  As pockets of conflict break out across other SSudan states it seems extremely probable that it is in fact related to the hatred between these two tribes.  More people continue to get injured or die as this situation stretches its violent arm across this new country-its evil fingers leaving blood in its wake.

As a team we are grappling with so many questions.  Why, Lord?  Why NOW?  Our house is ready.  We are ready to move in and get to work.   Ready to share Your Good News with the Dinka.  We are so close yet so far away because of this new security threat.  I mean, we knew it would be likely we would face political unrest because of the instability of this young country, to date the newest country in the world.  Yet we never expected to face it so soon upon our arrival in SSudan (only 1 month in), especially not now!  

We are earnestly seeking the Lord for His direction and His timing.  Earnestly counting the cost of our calling to the lost here in South Sudan.  The continual unrest of SSudan is one of the major reasons why the Dinka are unreached.    

Do we stay now, believing that the Lord has placed us here for such a time as this?  Or do we leave because it is not yet the right time and the Lord is thwarting our way?  Or if we evacuate, would we even be able to get back into SSudan?  Please join us in praying for these major decisions.  Pray for wisdom from our supervisors and our organization as they seek the Lord in this decision.  Every day is filled with much uncertainty as we grapple with these major questions.  We want to be wise and courageous.  Our go bags are packed if we need to evacuate quickly yet we are in the process of moving into our house.  We cling to this passage the Lord showed me just yesterday in our Advent Christmas devotional:

“I will climb up to my watchtower and stand at my guard post.
There I will wait to see what the LORD says and how He will answer my complaint...
I trembled inside when I heard this; my lips quivered with fear.
My legs gave way beneath me, and I shook in terror.

I will wait quietly for the coming day when disaster will strike the people who invade us.

Even though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vines;
even though the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren;
even though the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty,
Yet I will rejoice in the LORD!  

I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!  
The sovereign LORD is my strength!
He makes me as surefooted as a deer, able to tread upon the heights.”

Habakkuk 2:1, 3:16-19

So we wait!  We have climbed up to the watchtower and we are standing at the guard post.  We will wait to see what the Lord says, knowing He will be faithful to answer with His perfect wisdom.  We will rejoice in the Lord!  Remembering in this Christmas season that He is the ONLY answer to a world broken, bleeding, and scarred by war and conflict that often seems unceasing and unending.  Even though a pending earthquake of civil war threatens the very foundations of South Sudan.  We will choose to hear the bells that ring, telling of Jesus, the hope of our salvation.   When despair looms on the horizon and it seems as if hatred between ethnic rivals will overcome peace. 

God will have the victory, as the lost come to know Him.  God is NOT DEAD,  He does NOT SLEEP or SLUMBER.  The wrong shall fail, the right prevail with peace on earth, good will to men!

Where Feet May Fail

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You’ve never failed and You won’t start now

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) Hillsong, 2013

Wow!  The Lord has really used this song to minister to me the past month.  Since we got to the field, it hasn’t been easy.  But it has been worth it.  It has been a year now that we’ve been without a home, and the longest we have ever stayed in one place is two months.  On any given day my emotions can range from being on the mountain top to the lowest valley.  It has actually surprised me how they fluctuate.  I am learning more and more how I have to set aside my emotions and find my joy in the Lord. 

I am discovering that being obedient to the call is more than just going to the field.  It’s keeping the faith that’s the most difficult part of the test.  And we are being tested here in Africa.  It’s hard to keep my head above the waves some times- when the days are long and it seems as if the girls have been crying or complaining all day long.  When I am struggling to learn language and it seems I’ll never get it. When I hear yet another heart-wrenching story of how an African child has endured more hardship in their young years than I ever have in my entire life.  When I’m digging worms out from my body. When Selvin and I are being harassed by police on a daily basis. Being threatened to be shot by the military or enduring horrible, head pounding road conditions to get to our people group a mere 3 hours away from where we’re currently living. Being taken advantage of (with money)  because we are “kauja” (white). When we are faced with life threatening situations and fear grips me....my faith MUST stand no matter what the situation and circumstance.  

It’s days like this, really every day, that I have to remind myself.  I am His!  That will never change.  Nothing or no one can ever take this away from me.  The Lord has NEVER failed me and He won’t start now.  So I pray every day, even moment by moment, Spirit lead me.  I am calling on Your name, my Jesus! Take me deeper in my walk with you.  Make my faith stronger. I am begging you, strengthen me.  Help my trust to be without borders.  Help me to believe that nothing, absolutely nothing is impossible with You.  Help my feet to not wander and my eyes to stay focused on You.  

Oh Jesus, my Jesus!  My soul will rest in Your embrace.  

For I am Yours.  

And You are mine.