Brokenness is Beauty

“The very thing we are afraid of, our brokenness, is the door to our Father’s heart.” Paul Miller

Broken.  When we hear this word images often come to our minds of jagged pieces forlornly scattered on the floor, bodies ravished from sickness or disease, or maybe even shattered hearts figuratively bleeding in pain.  Whatever you may think of when you hear this word, we can probably all agree that it is not usually a positive image.  But what if we’ve been viewing broken wrong all this time?  Quite honestly, we see it as a negative thing-especially in our current culture.  We want to have it all together or at least appear to-trying to hide behind our masks of put-togetherness, especially on social media-a virtual DIY façade that we fight desparately to maintain (oftentimes subconcisously).

 I recently finished reading “The Broken Way” by Ann Voskamp.  Like her other work I’ve read, her writing compels me to go deep and really ponder things.  And so the past year or so as I’ve slowly digested her book, the theme of brokenness has been on the forefront of my mind; and consequently (or should I say because of God’s perfect timing and plan to teach me in context) the theme of our life here on the mission field as well has been wrought with wave after wave of brokenness.

We often equate brokenness with pain don’t we?  Raw and exposed.  All our faults laid bare before those we trust and those we don’t.

Yet, what do we see when we look at God’s word? If we take a closer look I think we’ll  be pleasantly surprised.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

It seems to me that the Lord takes great pleasure in loving the broken-hearted.

If we look in the natural order of things we see that brokenness is the only way that can lead to growth…

“I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.” John 12:24

“The seed breaks to give us the wheat.  The soil breaks to give us the crop, the sky breaks to give us the rain, the wheat breaks to give us the bread.  And the bread breaks to give us the feast. There was once even an alabaster jar that broke to give Him all the glory.”  (Voskamp)

When a baby chick emerges into the world it does so by breaking through the shell of its egg that once nurtured and gave it life. But then comes the time when this same shell becomes a prison and the chick must peck through piece by piece in order to enter the world and life awaiting it there to be learned from its mother.  In fact, if the mother helps the chick break through the egg it will not survive-it must struggle through it in order to thrive.

In order for an avocado tree to bear fruit it must be broken-nails driven in or beat so that it can burst forth with life.  We have seen this firsthand on our Ugandan compound as our Karamajong friends beat our avocado tree (which hadn’t produced in 8 years) but as a result of their tough love it is now producing beautiful fruit.

“There is no growth without change, no change without surrender, no surrender without wound-no abundance without breaking. Wounds are what break open the soul to plant the seeds of deeper growth.” (Voskamp)

Then the ultimate example…to find life we must lose it. When Jesus is serving the Last Supper to his disciples, talking about the breaking of his body and the blood that will be spilt on the cross as a sacrifice for the brokenness of mankind’s sins-all of us Sons of Adam and Daughters of Eve (as C.S. Lewis so simply yet eloquently puts it in His Narnia series).

Jesus’ body was broken on the cross and He suffered the most painful death in the fight to defeat sin and then broke through the chains of death through his resurrection-making atonement for our sins and providing a way for eternal life for all who believe.  This sacrificial act of brokenness is beautiful!  And if we are His disciples then this means if we are broken for Him it is a thing of beauty.

"He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not." Isaiah 53:3

It certainly seems to be a paradox to us-this brokenness that can ultimately lead to life.  But it does not always do so, does it?  So often we get caught up in the cares of this world that we lose hope and don’t move forward from our brokenness-we don’t allow our God who has power over every brokenness to offer us life and hope and perseverance. We’ve all been there and known someone who has been in this state. Maybe it’s your family member or friend whom you love dearly who just can’t seem to shake if off.  It’s such a difficult place to be at-to be so aware of the brokenness of this world, of the effects of sin that wants to wreek havoc on our lives, to be so aware of our own fraility and brokenness as human beings, is it not?  I have been there many times as of late. 

“Out of feeling lavishly loved by God, one can break and give away that lavish love-and know the complete fullness of love.  The miracle happens in the breaking.” (Voskamp)

We see this to be true in our own lives when we give of ourselves, serving others only to find peace and energy and joy in our giving!

 “Brokenness happens in a soul so the power of God can happen in a soul.  “There is such terrible darkness within me, as if everything was dead…I do not know how deeper will this trial go-how much pain and suffering it will bring to me. This does not worry me anymore. I leave this to Him as I leave everything else…Let Him do with me whatever He wants as He wants for as long as He wants if my darkness is light to some soul.” Mother Teresa

So dear Jesus, I pray that you will show me how to find you in my brokenness and that I would allow it to grow me in Your beauty. Fill me with your peace and your assurance that shores up all my broken places and mends all the pieces of my aching heart. May I be vulnerable and courageous to show the world so that others will see your miracle working power in my own life.  Help me to follow Your Spirit each day and to live out of humility and beautiful brokenness so that my life can minister to others. To you all the glory!

Let our hearts rejoice and take great comfort from these promises in God’s word:

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot. A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance." Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.”- Isaiah 43:2

And provide for those who grieve in Zion-- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.-Isaiah 61:3

Walking Together as THE Church

As we have just finished celebrating Thanksgiving and we enter into this joyous season of Advent, have you ever really looked into the history of Thanksgiving?  Outside of what you grew up learning about in school? As I have really begun to look into the true history it is exciting to see the incredible example of perseverance that the pilgrims exhibited centuries ago.  It inspires me in my walk with Christ today.  (Disclaimer:  I admit I still have a lot to learn about this history outside of what I learned in school and ask that you bear with me as I share a little about what I have been learning and how it speaks to me.)

In listening to a podcast by FamilyLife today called “Remembering the Pilgrims” I was brought to tears by the historian’s words in relation to us today.  He said, “American Christians today, largely, are stranded in the present.  We really don’t think of ourselves as being part of a church that not only transcends cultures, tribes, and nations, but transcends generations and ages.  When we gather around the throne, at future time, we’ll be seeing a church that spans centuries as well as cultures.” 

The pilgrims should be counted among our great cloud of witnesses that go before us in the faith; in our greater body of Christ. 

As I learn more about the pilgrims, I realize they were very much like me and you.  Ordinary people who served an extraordinary God.  I am not seeking to put them up on a pedestal or even to say that everything they did was right. (In actuality, it was never just believers who came as pilgrims-you also had a lot of unbelievers-coming to the colonies for reasons as varied as adventure seekers to escaping their criminal past across the ocean.) The pilgrims who were believers had many great flaws and sins (as we all do) and yet possessed a love for God that compelled them to look at every aspect of their lives in light of their walk with Christ.  Yet during a very turbulent time of church history, we see the pilgrims being courageous in standing up with conviction against what they believe is not of God.  This action could ultimately lead to persecution-at the very least fines, prison, or their very lives.  

And I am not only talking about persecution from within the church but also the cost many of them paid in the colonies-during the journey in tight quarters within the ship, and then the hardships that came as they arrived in a new land-the cold winter, very difficult country than what they expected, struggling to adapt and make shelter and find food in the midst of sicknesses and diseases.  The statistics say a lot about this-of the 102 passengers who arrived on the Mayflower in the fall, only 50 were still living by the following spring.  Of the 18 married couples on the ship 1 or both members had died in 15 of the 18 families. Yet they still stopped and gave thanks.  What can we learn from their example centuries ago?  Resilience and steadfastness.

William Bradford, the governor of Plymouth, wrote in his letters that this church body had made a covenant with one another.  “They would walk together in all God’s ways made known, or to be made known to them, according to their best endeavors, whatever it should cost them.”  

That last part really resonates with me, “whatever it should cost them”.  It stirs my heart with many questions as I look now at some of the history that is known about the pilgrims.  Could they have really know what that meant?  If they had, would they have gone?  I think about my own life.  Your life.  When we step forward in obedience-when we say “yes” to God in one area, do we ever really understand what it will ultimately cost us?  

I think not.  So why do we continue to step forward in faith. Or do we?  How many times have I been scared of the unknown and tried to understand all parts of my coming story-to weigh the good and the bad and the possible what ifs?  And in doing so in my own limited human mind, I have greatly missed out on the incredible power of our Almighty God in whom ALL things are POSSIBLE?  The same God of the believers in Hebrews 11, these great members of the hall of faith “who by faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, obtained promises, shut the mouths of lions, quenched the raging fire, escaped the edge of the sword, gained strength after being weak, and put armies to flight….some were tortured, not accepting release, others mocked and scourged, put in bonds, imprisoned, stones, sawed in two, died by the sword, others wandered about in sheep and goatskins, destitute, afflicted, and mistreated.  The world was not worthy of them.  They wandered in deserts and on mountains, hiding in caves and holes in the ground.” 

These great heroes of the faith are a part of THE church of our Savior that transcends the ages!   They are a part of MY church.  YOUR church.  OUR church.  Will you allow their walks of faith to speak to your current life?  To help you transcend this current time and place and the every day things that make up your life.  To help you gain a kingdom, eternal perspective.  Every day people like you and me-like my beautiful Karamajong friends here striving to follow Christ in an animistic culture, like the sweet, old man who is the door greeter at your church, the single woman with 5 kids who goes to your kid’s school, the African believer striving to plant churches in the largest refugee camp in the world here in Uganda…..WE are the church now and let us encourage one another.  Let us not forget those who went before us and fought the good fight of faith-made up of every tribe and nation and tongue…..let us endeavor to make a covenant with one another, as the pilgrims did, to WALK TOGETHER in ALL God’s ways, WHATEVER IT SHOULD COST US….until we STAND TOGETHER before the throne of God.  Let us truly walk together as THE Church.

Lamentations Stretch Our Souls

“My eyes are worn out from weeping; I am churning within. My heart is poured out in grief because of the destruction of my dear people, because children and infants faint in the streets of the city. They cry out to their mothers: Where is the grain and wine? as they faint like the wounded in the streets of the city, as their lives fade away in the arms of their mothers.”(Lamentations 2:11-12)

The day has come that I have dreaded and it has filled my soul with anguish and trepidation.  For this season, the Lord has called us out of South Sudan.  It has come for various reasons-many I understand and accept; others I cannot.  I am in the midst of a season of grief and mourning for the goodbyes that we have painstakingly wrought. My heart breaks for the people of South Sudan and the tremendous suffering they are enduring-while much of it may be seem self-inflicted by corrupt government officials and decades of worshipping pagan gods-much of it seems to be out of their control-famine and war.  I have been crying out to God with so many questions, holding onto the promise that He is the beginning and the end and the God of all the stuff in between (as Abby and Ella sang in a recently learned kids’ song).  

During this time I don’t want to just rush through this process or sweep my emotions under the rug as I jump into this new season and ministry God has for our family and team with another people group.  We are now beginning to settle in with the Karamajong people in the bush of Uganda and while I am hopeful and excited about our future here, I want to embrace healthy emotionally spirituality and properly mourn and reflect and wait for the Lord to speak to me.  As a team we’ve been reading through “The Emotionally Healthy Church”  by Peter Scazzero and the Lord has used this book to teach me so much. He says, “Stuffed down and denied, losses gather in our souls like heavy stones that weigh us down…loss is loss.  It is the norm of life, not the exception….What is universal is that we all experience sorrows and are invited to grieve and grow through them.”  

The Bible has so many places where we see grief and sorrow vividly displayed-raw....ugly....riveting pain that cannot help but render depths of emotion from our very own souls as we relate-from books like Lamentations to Job in his immense suffering to Psalm after Psalm where David poured out his heart before the Lord in wide open, holding nothing back emotion. Then we get to the New Testament where we see Jesus in his earthly ministry moved by emotions.  One that especially stands out to me is when Jesus is praying to His Father, the night before his brutal crucifixion and when his tears flow like blood in his agony of the expected hell-shattering suffering to come. I am learning there is a purpose for lamentations-they grow our souls-stretching us to experience Jesus in a more personal way.  Our Savior King who was moved to compassion to leave heaven and come rescue us.

As I take time to rest in the Lord and embrace my grief He is enabling me to become more like Him, my Jesus who is also called a “Man of Sorrows”.  Jesus, fully God and fully man who wept when Lazarus died, taking time to mourn with some of his closest friends, although He knew He was going to fix it and raise Him from the dead!  And the beautiful thing about mourning is that we truly learn how to relate to others in their grief.  For me right now, this means knowing how to better pray for the Sudanese as their country and daily lives are split open by war, famine, tribal wars and the threat of genocide to their people. As thousands of refugees flee the country by the day, oftentimes separated from their families, watching them be shot and killed before their very eyes, wearing nothing but the clothes on their backs. 

As I look back and search my heart for some measure of closure, I sift through hundreds of pictures of what life looked like for us in South Sudan.  Countless shared cups of chai and meals with Dinka friends, many shared Bible stories, our kids chasing goats across friends’ immaculately (African trademark) swept dirt yards, pounding out hundreds of hours of language learning with increasingly more and more humility, being the church as a team and living Jesus (by His grace)-making our Savior meet able among a people who had never seen this before.  Yes, it is indeed a heavy calling and it has been a humbling servanthood endeavor where I have never leaned on Jesus more.  And I wouldn’t trade one minute for that life; it has been an honor and despite some of the hardest days of my life I have been filled with His everlasting joy and peace.

Yet even as this future is uncertain I am clinging to my God who is not.  He is not shaken by any thing that happens in this world-He is STEADY. SURE. STEADFAST.  UNCHANGING. And by His grace, I can lean on His strength.  He has especially given me the song “Take Courage” by Lindy Conant and the Circuit Riders during this time to breath life and hope into my soul.

My King has conquered every mountaintop

With scars that prove that He cannot be stopped

And history was changed upon the cross

With victory You rescue all that’s lost

And silence will be broken with our lives

As we live out the love of Jesus Christ

What our eyes have seen our hearts cannot ignore

We’ll lead this generation to the glory of the Lord

Take Courage

The harvest is ripe

And lift up Your voice 

Because Jesus is Alive

There’s no heart too hard for Jesus,

There’s no people too far gone

He’s already won the war

There’s a yes in our hearts

And it carries through eternity

Simple obedience 

It changes history

So it is to my King that I cling to.  He has conquered every mountaintop.  He cannot be stopped!  I will take courage and praise my Jesus.  Nothing is impossible with Him.  He’s already won this war.  I pray these words of Lamentations 3:21-26, 31-33 over my life and the lives of our fellow believers scattered throughout South Sudan right now.

“Yet I call this to mind, and therefore I have hope.

Because of the Lord’s faithful love we do not perish,

for His mercies never end.

They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness!

I say: The LORD is my portion,

Therefore I will put my hope in Him.

The LORD is good to those who wait for Him,

to the person who seeks Him.

It is good to wait quietly for deliverance from the LORD.

For the Lord will not reject us forever.

Even if He causes suffering, 

He will show compassion according to His abundant, faithful love.

For He does not enjoy bringing affliction or

suffering on mankind.”