A Home of Hopelessness

The next couple of blogs are about our 40/40 training that we went through in the country of Zambia from April-May.  It consisted of 2 parts-the first half in the city of Lusaka where we stayed in seminary dorms and the second part in the rural city of Petauke where we camped out in tents.  It was a great time of learning about ourselves, increasing our faith in God, and learning about African culture.  We also had daily field assignments to complete to assist us in our learning.  We are so thankful for this experience.  The following blogs capture some of the highlights!

Written April 25, 2013

Lusaka, Zambia

40/40 Training

Today was pretty tough, heart-wrenching really.  We visited a man named Maalachi who was suffering from HIV. (Although his mom said it was TB caused by pneumonia, our Zambian helper, Edna, later told us once we left his house that it was the “elephant in the room” and so Africans usually don’t come out and say their disease is HIV.)  It was very sad to be there-I think I went into the visit a little overly confident.  I’ve been on many hospital and death bed visits back in America.  They were never easy of course, by I had a little experience under my belt.  However, this was SO different.  Shame on me for making too much of my American experiences and trying to make Africa fit into that box.  

As soon as we walked into the room I could feel the darkness and lack of hope.  Maalachi was lying in bed partly asleep and moaning in pain frequently. His brother was there but he wanted us to wait to begin our visit until his mother came in.  So we waited a few minutes-in awkward silence.  I began to pray for God’s wisdom and healing.  His mother arrived a few minutes later-she was so sweet and very excited that we were at their house.  Maalachi wanted to eat something so his mom got the brother to start cooking-some greens and rice.  Then he wanted to sit up but couldn’t do it on his own because he was too weak.  At first he wanted his mom to lift and carry him but she was only strong enough to aid him.  She helped him sit up on the side of the bed.  Before Maalachi sat up, he was covered in a blanket and while lying down we couldn’t see how bad of a condition he was in.  But once he began his struggle to sit up and the covers were pulled back, we could see how very sick and frail he was-his legs had wasted away to mere skin and bones.  His mom had mentioned during our inquiry of what was wrong that he had only just left the hospital after being there over a month.  (I was puzzled back during our visit to see how weak he was after that stay...it made sense later on once Edna had explained the “elephant in the room”.)  

I didn’t know what to do as his mom struggled to help him swing his legs over the bed and sit up-it was hard not to stare because he was moaning and grimacing with pain.  I had to bite my lip to fight back tears.  We learned he was married with a baby girl-but his wife was now at the clinic because the baby was sick with a cough.  I asked if we could pray for him, his family, and his mom and we did.  I could feel God’s power and presence in the room as He filled the place and gave us the words to intercede for them.  When we finished I felt like there was hope and more of a peaceful atmosphere in this small little home-at least it was clearly evident in the mom’s demeanor. 

We had brought a gift for the family, a cultural expectation/respectful gesture.  (Edna had recommended that the best thing for this family was to buy them some groceries-sugar, juice, toothpaste, laundry soap, etc.)  The mom was very appreciative.  As we left, saying our goodbyes and letting them know they would continue to be in our prayers-I felt somewhat like a failure.  I have no doubt we ministered to the mother-she clearly voiced how encouraged she was and gave her blessings on our ministry before we departed.  But I didn’t feel like we had reached the sick man, Maalachi-he seemed so out of it.  

God, You only know.  I pray we were faithful to minister to them in a way that pleased You and somehow touched Maalachi’s confused mind. In my head dear Jesus, I know You have the power to heal anyone, at anytime.  But I feel such a disconnect between my head and my heart in this area.  I don’t truly believe this if my actions don’t reveal it.  How do I know when You want to heal someone and when You are not (according to Your perfect plan)?  I confess I have fear because I’m afraid that if I take that step of faith to heal in Your name that it won’t happen...leaving the person involved doubting You or at the very least me embarrassed.   HOW DO I KNOW?  By working in the Holy Spirit I know is part if not all of the answer.  Is this my lack of faith and preparation and reliance on my own strength?  Show me dear Jesus!  Take away the blinders separating me from this kind of powerful, working, Holy Spirit faith.  Teach me oh Lord, I want to learn!

Forgive me for not being bold in sharing the Gospel-You know my mixed feelings about being fearful and not knowing what to say versus not wanting to use “conversion practices from America”.  I don’t want to put You in that kind of box.  Although I often limit myself I guess by creating another seemingly “nonconformist” box of my own and not wanting to use evangelistic tactics at all.  Thereby I limit You any way because I’m not seeking and continually following Your Holy Spirit.  

I pray for another opportunity to visit this man’s house again to share the Gospel.  Oh, I need Your wisdom!  Give me and my team clarity! 

Read my following blog “A Second Chance” to hear how God worked!